Impetus de Felium (The Attack of the Cats)
by MartialArtistwithaPen
Summary: Cats. They're great. Now, if Ed and Al's situation were a bit easier, keeping one cat might be possible. But fifteen of the things? Edward had better find a solution fast, because Al's got a (rather insane) plan of his own (not that Ed's is any better).
1. Al's Idea

**Sometimes, Alphonse's love and Edward's great dislike for cats goes a bit overboard. Today is one of those times.**

* * *

"Come on, Brother! We have to keep them! They're scared and lonely and hungry, and they've got nowhere to go."

"There's _fifteen_ of them, Al! Where are we going to keep FIFTEEN kittens exactly?"

"In our hotel room, of course! Where else would they go?" Alphonse said as if that was the most obvious thing in the world. Edward gave an exasperated sigh as he sat on a bench, five of these fifteen kittens crawling and clawing all over him.

"NO, ALPHONSE. We've been over this before. We don't have the means to care for even _one_ kitten with all the traveling we do- not to mention all the enemies we've made…" Ed muttered the last part sheepishly, and if Al could have facial expression, he would be glaring.

"The enemies _you've_ made, Brother. Plus, we can get someone to take care of them while we're traveling-"

"We're _ALWAYS_ traveling, Al! Remember, we don't have a permanent home to go to, which means-" Ed was interrupted by a gasp from Alphonse, realization dawning upon the younger Elric.

"Oh, I see, Ed. You're brilliant! This means that we're going to get a permanent home, settle down, and spend the rest of our lives caring for kittens! Let's get started!" Alphonse shouted, leaping from his seat (and knocking several indignantly squealing kittens off his lap), but Edward grabbed his arm.

"For the last time, Al, NO. We can't keep any kittens, okay? And you know as well as I do that neither of us will be settling down until I get your body back, and who knows how long that'll be."

Alphonse fell silent at this, just staring at his big brother with those soulfire eyes, silently imploring Edward. Said older brother knew that, if Al had his body, he'd be on the verge of tears- on purpose.

This knowledge didn't help as Edward tried to figure out a way out of this, because Alphonse had a way of guilting Ed into giving in to things like this.

Edward began to think of some sort of reasonable compromise when-

 _Rrrip._

Ed looked at his right arm. A kitten was clawing all over his coat that _he'd just fixed that day_ , tearing it to shreds.

That. Was. it.

Alphonse was hard to say no to, but that didn't change how _hideous_ cats could be. Edward made up his mind: they were not keeping even _one_ of these monsters.

And then an idea struck him.

"Hey, Al?"

"Yeah?"

"When's the Colonel's birthday again?"

* * *

 **So, that's that. I know something fairly similar happens in the 2003 anime, but my fics are (unless otherwise noted) for Brotherhood. Plus, something tells me that the Elric brothers had multiple instances like this haha.**

 **Fun Fact number 397342691: I love cats. I'd have one if not for this thing called allergies.**

 **Have a great day!**


	2. Ed's Solution

**Edward has come up with a solution to their kitten predicament. Whether it's the best idea is debatable, but at least the Elrics will be rid of all those cats!**

* * *

"Here, just a few more steps." Edward told Roy Mustang, who was currently blindfolded and being led somewhere by Ed and Al.

Whatever the little brat and his brother were up to, all Roy knew was that if he was warned of any more stairs _just too late_ to keep from trippingagain, Edward would be in serious trouble.

"Will you just get on with this, Fullmetal? I have important things to attend to." Roy said, but all he got was a wall to the face.

"Oops. _So_ sorry, Colonel Clumsy." Edward said _,_ no doubt reveling in this, and Roy could distinctly hear him trying to stifle a laugh.

"Watch it, Edward. I am your direct superior, after all." Roy warned.

"Don't worry, Colonel. You'll be glad you came with us!" Alphonse piped up from ahead, clearly eager about whatever this was.

Roy was starting to wonder where he was being taken and why it seemed so much like his apartment building-

Oh.

This _was_ his apartment building, wasn't it?

After three painful flights of steps (wait, three? Roy's room was on floor three…), a short walk down the hall, and one more face-to-wall incident courtesy of one Edward Elric (the little twit was _getting it_ for that one), they arrived at their destination.

"Here we are!" Edward said much too cheerfully.

"You're going to love this!" Alphonse said. Just then, Roy heard something.

It almost sounded like a….

Then the door was opened, and Roy's blindfold was removed.

He blinked, eyes readjusting to the bright midday light, and he found himself in his apartment room. But his apartment room wasn't right.

Cats.

There were cats _everywhere._

Clawing up the curtains, attacking the fishbowl on the table, peeking out from under the bed. Roy looked up and saw, to his horror, a cat, thoroughly enjoying itself, sitting on one of the blades of his ceiling fan.

"W-what is this?" Roy barely managed to choke out, completely dumbfounded.

"It's your birthday present, Colonel! You see, I had a bunch of cats, and we don't have a place for them, and Brother told me that you would enjoy the company. Do you like it?" Alphonse asked eagerly.

Roy almost snapped at the younger Elric, but then realized that all Alphonse wanted was to help both the cats and Roy. It was Edward he should be yelling at. After all, Ed had put this idea in Al's head, right?

"Thank you for being so considerate, Alphonse. I appreciate the thought." Roy said with his voice as even as possible, but then his tone changed as he turned, shaking with fury, to address Edward. "But you, you -"

Ed wasn't there. He'd already begun his escape, laughing almost maniacally as he dashed down the stairwell.

"HAHAHAHAHA! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, COLONEL IDIOT!" Edward howled as Roy broke into a run towards the boy.

"Get BACK here you _little-_ "

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE CAN'T EVEN GO TO THE BEACH BECAUSE HE'S SO SMALL, HE'D SINK INTO THE SAND AND WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN HE DOESN'T EVEN SINK OR HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DROWNING BECAUSE HE'S SO MICROSCOPIC HE CAN BREATHE ALL THE OXYGEN ATOMS IN THE WATER?!" Edward bellowed. How the boy had managed to scream that much while running at top speed, Roy wasn't sure. The only thing he knew was that _twit_ was going to get it when Roy caught up to him.

"YOU!" Roy shouted in return, just before he tripped and fell down a whole flight of steps, due to an attempt to avoid a kitten that had somehow made it out of the apartment and under his feet.

…

All the while, Alphonse sat in the apartment, perfectly content, petting the kittens, completely ignoring Roy and Edward. All that mattered was that he'd made Roy happy and given the kittens a home. For a few minutes, all was right with Alphonse Elric's world.

* * *

 **YAY HAPPY ENDING XD.**

 **At least for Alphonse. And Ed, if he can escape.**

 **Fun Fact #874930015: Edward's not my favorite character, but I find it easiest to write from his point of view.**

 **Hope you enjoyed this, and have a blessed day!**


End file.
